


I don't want to go on

by cjstar01_is_da_SafeWord



Category: Mindless Self Indulgence (Band), My Chemical Romance
Genre: Domestic Violence, F/F, F/M, FTM Gerard Way, Homicide, M/M, Mentioned Bandit Way, Murder, Past Frank Iero/Gerard Way - Freeform, Trans Gerard Way, Trans Male Character, mentioned frank iero - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:09:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22387729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cjstar01_is_da_SafeWord/pseuds/cjstar01_is_da_SafeWord
Summary: I don’t wanna go on living in this world without you.Gerz. Gerard x Lindsey.Gerard is a ftm trans.uhhh... so lets see. Death. Homicide. Main character death.  Domestic abuse.I'm not gonna lie... I wrote most of this story while my boyfriend was getting high and I was slightly judging him as he commits self die his lungs... idk call it projected anger???This story is also posted on Wattpad. If found anywhere else please contact me.
Relationships: gerz, past ferard
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	1. The House

Lindsey stud over Bandit as she was sleeping. ‘Aww look at mommy’s little girl. So cute and cuddly,’ Lindsey thought as she watches Bandit slowly breathes. Her stomach rising and falling with a binky held in her mouth. She closed the door to her child's room and immediately went to the baby cam. 

“It just felt like yesterday I changed your diaper. Wiped you and powdered you.” She paused as if she was a main character in a theatrical play. A dramatic pause as if something bad in her past of her or something in the future was gonna happen to her baby. “How’d you get so big? I can’t believe that now you're two,” she spoke softly, not to wake up the sleeping child. Not like Bandit could hear her. Bandit was upstairs with the door closed sleeping. Unaware to everything and anything outside of her sweet dreams. “You're so precious buttercup, mommy is so proud of you.”

Lindsey in her peripheral vision saw Gerard shakily stand up and try to go for the door.

“Sit down bitch!” Lindsey says. Her voice strong but also hoarse. She turned sharp eyes to the transgender infront of her. How fucking dare he. “If you move again I will beat the shit out of you!”

Gerard shook from where he stood mere feet from the hallway that would lead him out of the house. “Ok” he replies.

Gerard didn't want to move. It's not like Lindsey would hurt Bandit. Lindsey loves Bandit. But you’re gonna have to think twice if you think Gerard would just leave Bandit with a sick psycho like Lindsey. 

“Don't make me wake this baby! She doesn't need to see what I’m about to do.”

Gerard didn't know what that meant. Well I mean … he did. But he didn't want to believe what it meant. Because right now he was in danger. And although Lindsey wouldn’t hurt the baby upstairs that didn’t mean she wouldn’t hurt him. Fuck.

Gerard started to cry. Well he’s been crying for a while. His tears blurring his image. He tried to wipe them away but only managed to smear blood upon his face. He made a horrified scream... Yell? Dude idk lets call it a yelp. Whatever it was, it managed to piss off Lindsey.

“Quit crying, bitch! Why do you always make me shout at you?”

Gerard closed his mouth. And tried holding his breath. He has to shut up. Lindsey is so unstable if he breathed it might send her off.

“How could you?” she asked him. She walked around the table from the kitchen and into the living room. The room was a murder scene. With a body in the middle. Blood pooling from the body. Fucking ruining the carpet. That’s never coming out.

“How could you just leave me and love him out of the blue?” she asked. Well screamed. And all though there was a whole room between them Gerard didn’t feel safe. And yet all he could do was sink to the floor in defeat. Face it, he’s never gonna make it. Not out of the room with Lindsey like this. 

“Answer me!!!” Gerard flinched. She’s never been this upset before. He’s never seen this side of Lindsey before. Lindsey then did the unthinkable and through something at Gerard. A knife. She had bad aim…. Or maybe it was perfect aim? Whatever you wish to believe Gerard ended up covering his face and screaming in fear.

“Oh, what’s the matter Gee? AM I TOO LOUD FOR YOU?!? Too bad bitch you’re finally gonna hear me out this time.”

Gerard opens his eyes again. Checking to see if Lindsey was gonna throw more sharp objects at him again. He coughed as he was trying to breathe through his tearful face. It’s probably all red. Very ugly to look at. His eyes were probably poofy and his nose all stuffed and red. But Gee couldn’t be thinking of what he possibly looked like at the moment. He needed to worry about what the fuck Lindsey was gonna do next.

“See, when you threw me out a year ago I was like ‘Alright, that’s fine’. But not for _him_ to take my place are you out of your fucking mind?” 

Lindsey went up and kicked the blue couch the was in front of the walkway from the kitchen. “This couch! This tv! The whole fucking house is **mine**!” And in a flash of anger she took a lamp and smashed it into the tv that was hanging on the wall. That caused it to come crashing to the ground. Completely destroyed. Just like her life. It was Gerard’s fault!

“How could you let him sleep in our bed?” she asked. Turning her attention from the destruction in front of her to the poor lad across the room and the still warm but dead body in the middle. His name was ‘Frank’ maybe? Lindsey didn’t care. Fucking piece of shit is laying around with **her** husband being the father to **her baby girl**? Fuck you!

“Look at your husband now!” Lindsey demands as she kicks his dead body on the ground. The blood splattering all over her black and white converse. 

“No” Gerard denies. He didn’t want to look at the horrid reality that his lover was gone. Frank Iero was so nice to him. They had just gotten married, and Lindsey was nowhere to be found, he thought he could live his life in peace. With his new husband that was a hot piece of meat but also so caring who would be the perfect dad to help raise his sweet little angel- 

Gerard wasn’t paying any attention. Too deep in his thoughts of Frank to notice Lindsey coming closer and grabbing his hair. He never cut it from when he was female. It was long for a guy, but he liked it. Lindsey yanked the strands of brown across the room, Gerard having no choice but to follow her strong iron grip. 

“I SAID LOOK AT HIM!”

Gerard tried struggling but knew Lindsey had the upper hand in this. If he struggled too hard he would end up snapping his own neck. And that wouldn’t be cool.

“Ha! He’s not so hot now is he? Little punk.” Lindsey spit at the body. It landed right on his cheek and all Gerard could do is stare at the lifeless body of his now ex husband in front of him.

Gerard hiccuped. His tears still having a steady stream down his face. “Why are you doing this?”

“Shut the fuck up!”

“You’re drunk! You’re never gonna get away with this!” he says. This new found defiance growing in him. Lindsey was gonna pay for the death of Frank. It wasn’t fair that she can just waltz back and ruin his life. He has gone the entire year trying to make things right after Lindsey left. 

“Does it look like I give a fuck!? Come on,” she says pulling Gerard’s hair upwards. “Get up!” she pulls harder once Gerard takes his slow ass time to get off the ground. 

“We’re going for a ride baby” she says a little bit calmer than she has been in the past thirty minutes. Yet her actions weren’t calm. She managed to get Gerard’s arm pinned behind him. Not like she already scared the poor man to following her every move, but she just had to pin him too so that he’d move in the directions she wanted him to go.

She directed him to the garage in which she shoved him into the passenger side.

“Sit up front,” she says. She even took the time to put on his seat belt. Safety first, am I right? 

“We can’t just leave Bandit alone what if she wakes up?” Gerard asked. Lindsey knew what Gee was doing. ‘Don’t use Bandit as a way to save your _worthless_ life!’ But it’s ok. Because Lindsey had that covered. 

“We’ll be right back,” she says as she closes the door and walked to the other side. “Well… I will. You’ll be in the trunk.”

…

**1355 words**


	2. The Car

They drove down the street at high speed. Not too fast to cause panic or anything.

“You really fucked me, Gerard. You really did a number on me,” Lindsey says looking over to the male beside her. He was silencing his tears in someway. He really wanted to ask for help from anyone beside them, anyone to just look over and save him. 

“Never knew me cheating on you would come back to haunt me. That was years ago! We were kids then. I was only 18, I thought we wiped the slate clean. That’s fucked up!”

He closed his eyes. This woman was fucking crazy! How could this possibly be about Lindsey cheating back in highschool??? How could’ve he still hold that grudge? It wouldn’t matter now? Gee had boobs and periods when that shit happened. He’s over it.

“I love you” Gee says. Any attempt to calm her nerves from whatever the fuck she was on.

“You loved him didn’t you?” Lindsey asks with so much hate in her voice. 

“No!” Gerard replies. 

“Oh my god my brain is racing” Lindsey wasn’t listening to anything he had just said. “I love you” he says again this time reaching his hand over to casually make contact with Lindsey as she drove. 

Lindsey ripped her hand free from any and all contact from Gerard. “Bullshit you bitch! Dont fucking lie to me!”

The radio was on, it was soft, but it was on. Some MCR song was on talking about some teenagers or something. Whatever the fuck it was Lindsey had a bad reaction to it.

“Change the station I hate this song!!!”

Gee fumbled with the radio dial through his blurry eyes. “What the fuck this guys problem on the side of me?” Lindsey screams. Yes road rage in the middle of this hot shit is what Gee wanted right now. Lindsey swurves the vechile “fuck you asshole!” the truck beside them speedpast honking their horn. “Yeah bite me!”

Gerard sat back in the seat allowing this little alteration to happen. He didn’t want to be here. He didn’t want to be in this vehicle going god knows where with a fucked up Lindsey. She was crazy. God! She was crazy. How did he ever fall in love with this??? Was it because she was battshit crazy that Gee fell in love with her back in highschool? I mean it was a completely different time. Gerard didn't go by Gerard but instead by Gabrielle, Gabby for short. And maybe because his life was so simple and boring he needed something… someone to spice up his life for him. Ohhh how he wished he could tell his younger self to not go out with Lindsey. It would have saved him a lot of pain. Physical and mental. And so much other fucked up shit. He wouldn't have been in this car if he had just decided to stay- 

“Gerard” Lindsey says lowly but not gaining Gee’s attention from his thoughts. “Gerard!”

Gee looked over, suddenly snapped from his thoughts. 

“Why don’t you like me?” Lindsey asked suddenly sincerely. Just out of nowhere Lindsey spoke softly and it seemed like she was… hurt? Hurt about what? The fact that Gee moved on from her crazy ass? The fact that once she left, gerad picked up Bandit and got his life together? Found someone who would be a suitable parent to help raise his daughter? What the fuck could Lindsey possible be hurt about?

“You think im ugly, don’t you?” Lindsey says. If this was a regular conversation with Lindsey, if this was when Lindsey wasn’t going bat shit crazy, if Gerard had any control over this situation, he would say ‘and now cue the self pity’. But this is not a regular conversation. Gerard didn’t have any control. So instead he quickly spoke reassuring words.

“No it’s not that”. However his reassuring words fell onto closed ears. 

“No! You think I’m ugly!” Lindsey screams. She was certain that Gerard didn’t love her anymore. He proved it when he deiced to have her daughter be raised with some fucking stranger. Gee placed his hand on Lindsey’s again. “Get away from me! Don’t touch me! I hate you!”

Lindsey swinged her arm in an attempt to remove Gee’s hand from hers. In this reaction Lindsey hits Gee across the face. In such force that she managed to make Gee’s mouth bleed. 

Gee cried in more pain.

“I hate you! I swear to God I hate you!” Lindsey took a deep breath and looked over to Gerard in the passenger seat. “Oh my god I love you,” she says before looking back at the road and hitting the steering wheel. 

“How the fuck could you do this to me?” she asks hitting the steering wheel. “ **How the fuck could you do this to me** ?!” 

…

**810 words**


	3. The Forest

The vehicle stopped. Lindsey had taken them to the park. No, not the park in which children play and teenagers make out and parents try to keep their calm. This was the type of park that governments or something try to keep clean and safe for the animals. The park.

Lindsey got out and opened the squeaky door of the passenger side. “Come on, get out” she says.

“I can’t. I’m scared” Gerard says. All of his confidence seeped away once they pulled into the entrance of the park. 

“I said get out bitch!” Lindsey says grabbing Gee’s hair and yanking on it, pulling his fragile body out of the vehicle. 

“Let go of my hair!” Gee requests as he tries to untangle Lindsey's firm grip with his strands of hair. Lindsey compiles but she doesn’t let go of Gee. Instead she guides him through the woods. 

“Please don’t do this baby.” Gee says as he starts to freak out. Where was Lindsey taking him? What the fuck was about to happen. But Lindsey wasn’t responding to him. So he kept talking. “Please? I love you. Look we can just take Bandit and leave-”

“Fuck you!” Lindsey interrupts because she couldn’t stay quiet anymore. “You did this to us! You did it! It’s all your fault!”

Lindsey shook Gerard as she screamed at him. Gerard too frightened to actually do anything. This look of fear on his face pulled Lindsey out of her crazed daze.

“Fuck, I’m cracking up. Get a grip, Lindsey” she singed to herself. Her grip became loose as she recalled happier times.

“Hey remember that time we went to Ray’s party? And you were like so drunk that you threw up all over Jimmy?” Lindsey asked thinking back to a highschool party years ago. “That was funny, wasn't it?”

Gee only nodded his head but that seemed to anger the woman. “That was funny, wasn’t it?!”

“Yes!”

“See! It all makes sense doesn’t it?” Gerard was lost. He didn’t know what Lindsey was going on about, but he was about to find out. “You and your husband have a fight. One of you tries to grab a knife and during this little struggle he accidentally gets his adam’s apple sliced. So now he’s dead, you panic and slice your own throat. So now its homicide and suicide with no note.” Lindsey laughs at the end as if its some inside joke. Her grip was now nonexistent around Gerards arms. 

“I should have known better. When you started to act weird” Lindsey continued. But at this point Gee had stopped listening. Instead he was planning on a way to get out of here. Damn he should have paid attention to how far they were from the road. Well, oh well he had to make his move now. Lindsey wasn’t paying attention to him anymore… at least not really. He ripped his hands free from the light grasp and made his way through the woods.“...we could have- **HEY?!** Where you going? Get back here!” Lindsey calls out. She watches as Gee stumbled his way through the trees. She follows him. 

Gee kept running through the woods. Running into branches as they scratched up his face. His heavy feet snapping the sticks on the ground alerting anything and everything of his presents by miles. But he did not stop. He could hear Lindsey behind him. She wasn’t that far.

“You can’t run from me Gee” she calls. She was right. Lindsey was so much more of an athlete than Gee. Back in highschool she’d run laps around him. Making fun of how out of shape he was. Did she _ever_ treat him right in this relationship? How was he able to stand in front of an altar with her and say ‘I do’? How could he not have seen this in the past?

“You’re only making this harder for yourself” she calls out to him. Now very close to catching him. Gerard was tired. He wanted to stop. But he knew he couldn’t. His life depended on it. He had to keep going. 

He felt a tug on his shirt. And then he was yanked backwards. Lindsey wrapping her arms around him. 

“Ha! Ha! Got’cha!” Lindsey says in victory. Gerard screamed. Fuck he was gonna die. Fuck fuck fuck. 

“Go ahead and yell darling! Here ill scream with you” Lindsey says before screaming with Gerard. “Ah! Somebody help!” she screams. It was a good scream. Better than Gee’s since it was a lot more high pitched since Gee takes testosterone. 

After a while Lindsey starts to laugh. And watch as Gee struggled and still screamed. “Don’t you get it bitch? No one can hear you? _It’s just us, nobody else._ Now shut the fuck up and get whats coming to you!” Lindsey yells. She pulls a knife out. Where? Gee did not know. But where the knife came from wasn’t the problem. No sir, the problem was what Lindsey was about to do with it. 

Lindsey wrestled Gee to the ground. He was still struggling but that didn’t matter to Lindsey. She brought the knife up to his neck. Gee tried sinking into the ground to get the pointy edge away from his skin. But that didn’t work. 

“You promised me your hand 5 years ago. You promised me that you’ll never stop loving me! **You promised Gerard**!” she screams into his ear. Gee still trying to get Lindsey off of him but it wasn’t working. She was using her body to pin him to the ground. 

“I know I know. And I do. I still love you” Gee chokes out.

“No,” Lindsey shook her head gripping the knife harder, “No! You were _supposed to_ love me! Now bleed!”

She slid the knife roughly against Gerard’s skin. He eyes went wide as he felt the warm liquid ooze from his neck. He felt pain. His hands trying desperately to cover up the hole in his neck. But Lindsey kept going. She went all the way across his neck. Watching as the blood came flowing out of his body. Gerard made choking sounds. But you couldn’t hear it over Lindsey screaming at him to bleed. 

Eventually Gerards body went still. His heart gave up trying to pump blood that wasn’t coming back. The red goo was everywhere, all over Lindsey’s hands and the knife as she stood up over Gerard limp body. 

**_I don’t wanna go on living in this world without you. So, so long_ **.

…

**1087 words**

**_Message from Cj. So I hoped you guys enjoyed this story. It was “inspired” from the song Kim by Eminem. I just really wanted to make a dark fic. I dont think ill go any darker than this, but i do have a shit ton of gerard x lindsey stories that id like to write and post. But they aren’t really… light. Anyway have a good day._ **


End file.
